25

I put up with all your shit because I know when it comes down to it and I need you, you'll be there. Lately, I've been needing you more than ever, but you're just a distance shadow. I'm falling apart and I need my best friend to help me. You have your new life. I'm old news. I am sorry for letting things get this bad. We're just a lost cause.

16

I haven't written in this things in weeks.

School started about two weeks ago. I'm in over my head. I feel like I'm more stressed than ever. I hate it when I'm stressed because I take it out on the people I love. I hate myself sometimes. I really do. I wish I could help my mom more, but I barely have time to help myself. I've been working so much lately...it seems like it anyways. I have barely anytime for school work. Michael bought me a new book. I wish he didn't because I've been more interested in reading the book then doing my school work. I need to get back on my medicine. I hate the days where I cry for no reason, just because. Whether I'm feeling sorry for myself or so over whelmed. I just cry. I the shower, before work, during work, after work, in the car, listening to music...crying is the only emotion that makes me feel something. Like this life is worth living, strangly. I miss my friends. So much. I miss a lot of things. I just wish I could finish school already and be done with. I need to have some ground in my life. Ever since senior year I haven't had a real place to call home. I think that adds to my depression. I wish my sister didn't live in North Port. Such a far drive. I love her so much. She is my best friend. I'm going to start making more of an effort to see her. We both need each other right now. Sometimes I wish I never lost my father. I feel like my life would be much better with him. The conception always gets thrown out the window as the older I get my mom feels like telling me more and more secrets about him, that only make me resent him. Why can't it just go back to when I was a child and he was my hero? Of course that would mean going back to when I had abusive step-fathers. No thank you. I have to write a speech about who is my hero. I think I'm going to write a well written speech about how I have no hero.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have anything holding me back from moving far away to find myself and be free. Travel to different countries to see how different cultures are. Listening to Northstar really makes me remember when I was in high school. I was in this fit of depression. Oddly enough I still confide in music, but I have just widened my variety of artists. I should probably go to sleep now. I'm waking up semi early to do school work before class. Class at 11AM won't get "home" until 1:45PM, work at 2:30Pm-10:30PM, then off to bed I go. Never ending cycle.

25

I've been so pissed of lately. At every thing. I've been taking it out on the people I love. I wish I can just get away for a week, a month, a year. Whatever! I started school today. I'm looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to working so much while I'm in school. Ugh. I'm sick of busting my ass off at work and getting nothing in return. I just get fucked over. I'm tired of being stepped on. I'm not taking it anymore. You can take my word on that.



P.S. I really want to get a tattoo. Not sure exactly what I want for sure yet or where.

18

My neck is worse than ever. Thank goodness I'm going to the doctors Thursday. My tummy is burning, too. Whole different issueeee. My body is falling apart and I'm not even out of my teens! Work was crazy today. Tropical storm coming. Ohh noes :/ Ha. Fuck for not being able to sleep!

14

I'm horrible at these things.
I've been working like a mad women. Nothing in return except a fat couple of paychecks then back to 30 hrs a week I go. I really, really wish I could have gone to SCAD this year. Why couldn't my mom be rich? Haha. Oh well. I'll earn it myself then respect it more later in life. Bills are due. Frustrating. I need a better way to organize on how to remember what date each bill needs to be paid. I never realized that the crystal stone turtle necklace that my brother bought my while he was in Europe, is transparent. Haha. It's green but I didn't know you could see through it on the side. Weird.

30

Why do I get so jealous sometimes.
Why am I so stressed all the time.
Why am I such a bitch most of the time.
Answers. Please.

29

My body aches. I feel like shit. I can't sleep. Michael yells at me all the time for taking up the bed, but I have proof that he is in fact the one who takes up the bed! Haha. This week I have to work the night manager schedule at work. Five overnights. I hope I don't kill myself. Ha. It's going to suck not seeing Michael a lot. I have to make a sleep schedule so I don't over sleep or under sleep. I can't wait until Grimfest! I think only because I'll get to see all my old friends. Plus, it'll remind me of the old dayss. I miss it. Goodnight. Hopefully. 

25

Another dreadful day. I have such a headache. I'm so tired. I need to make a change. Fast.

24

I'm sick of work. Not the work it self. I don't mind that at all. The people is what gets to me. These twenty and thirty year old adults are obsessed with gossiping. I don't understand it. Maybe it will get better. I'm just so glad the career I am working towards will have less human contact. I'm so drained.

20

I'm afraid I will never achieve any of my goals. I want to take the easy way out, but I know I will regret it. I am beyond confused about my life. My mother getting on my case all the time doesn't help either. She's just frustrated with her misfortunes in life and takes it out on me. I know she wants the best for me. I think what's best for me if to get away from my past. I'm sick of having these constant horrible memories. I just want to forget.