Thursday, September 25, 2008
25
I put up with all your shit because I know when it comes down to it and I need you, you'll be there. Lately, I've been needing you more than ever, but you're just a distance shadow. I'm falling apart and I need my best friend to help me. You have your new life. I'm old news. I am sorry for letting things get this bad. We're just a lost cause.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
16
I haven't written in this things in weeks.
School started about two weeks ago. I'm in over my head. I feel like I'm more stressed than ever. I hate it when I'm stressed because I take it out on the people I love. I hate myself sometimes. I really do. I wish I could help my mom more, but I barely have time to help myself. I've been working so much lately...it seems like it anyways. I have barely anytime for school work. Michael bought me a new book. I wish he didn't because I've been more interested in reading the book then doing my school work. I need to get back on my medicine. I hate the days where I cry for no reason, just because. Whether I'm feeling sorry for myself or so over whelmed. I just cry. I the shower, before work, during work, after work, in the car, listening to music...crying is the only emotion that makes me feel something. Like this life is worth living, strangly. I miss my friends. So much. I miss a lot of things. I just wish I could finish school already and be done with. I need to have some ground in my life. Ever since senior year I haven't had a real place to call home. I think that adds to my depression. I wish my sister didn't live in North Port. Such a far drive. I love her so much. She is my best friend. I'm going to start making more of an effort to see her. We both need each other right now. Sometimes I wish I never lost my father. I feel like my life would be much better with him. The conception always gets thrown out the window as the older I get my mom feels like telling me more and more secrets about him, that only make me resent him. Why can't it just go back to when I was a child and he was my hero? Of course that would mean going back to when I had abusive step-fathers. No thank you. I have to write a speech about who is my hero. I think I'm going to write a well written speech about how I have no hero.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have anything holding me back from moving far away to find myself and be free. Travel to different countries to see how different cultures are. Listening to Northstar really makes me remember when I was in high school. I was in this fit of depression. Oddly enough I still confide in music, but I have just widened my variety of artists. I should probably go to sleep now. I'm waking up semi early to do school work before class. Class at 11AM won't get "home" until 1:45PM, work at 2:30Pm-10:30PM, then off to bed I go. Never ending cycle.
School started about two weeks ago. I'm in over my head. I feel like I'm more stressed than ever. I hate it when I'm stressed because I take it out on the people I love. I hate myself sometimes. I really do. I wish I could help my mom more, but I barely have time to help myself. I've been working so much lately...it seems like it anyways. I have barely anytime for school work. Michael bought me a new book. I wish he didn't because I've been more interested in reading the book then doing my school work. I need to get back on my medicine. I hate the days where I cry for no reason, just because. Whether I'm feeling sorry for myself or so over whelmed. I just cry. I the shower, before work, during work, after work, in the car, listening to music...crying is the only emotion that makes me feel something. Like this life is worth living, strangly. I miss my friends. So much. I miss a lot of things. I just wish I could finish school already and be done with. I need to have some ground in my life. Ever since senior year I haven't had a real place to call home. I think that adds to my depression. I wish my sister didn't live in North Port. Such a far drive. I love her so much. She is my best friend. I'm going to start making more of an effort to see her. We both need each other right now. Sometimes I wish I never lost my father. I feel like my life would be much better with him. The conception always gets thrown out the window as the older I get my mom feels like telling me more and more secrets about him, that only make me resent him. Why can't it just go back to when I was a child and he was my hero? Of course that would mean going back to when I had abusive step-fathers. No thank you. I have to write a speech about who is my hero. I think I'm going to write a well written speech about how I have no hero.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have anything holding me back from moving far away to find myself and be free. Travel to different countries to see how different cultures are. Listening to Northstar really makes me remember when I was in high school. I was in this fit of depression. Oddly enough I still confide in music, but I have just widened my variety of artists. I should probably go to sleep now. I'm waking up semi early to do school work before class. Class at 11AM won't get "home" until 1:45PM, work at 2:30Pm-10:30PM, then off to bed I go. Never ending cycle.
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